I wanna be more patient. Not because I am fasting as if I say that, it seems like I do not have to calm down after this month. I wanna be more patient as it is the right thing to do. I talked to Andros about moral judgment as it is his dissertation topic. And this one is my moral judgment, driven by mind and guidance from prophet S.A.W

I copy from a site of his saying, the one I read when I was a kid and the one that I just remember after a long time of forgotten:-

“Orang yang kuat itu bukan terletak pada kemampuan berkelahi, tetapi orang yang kuat itu adalah yang dapat mengendalikan diri mereka ketika sedang marah.” (Hadis riwayat Imam Ahmad)

Translated as ‘A strong person is not the person who throws his adversaries to the ground. A strong person is the person who contains himself when he is angry’ (I took the translation from here)

I told Andros, I believe that if we are doing good things towards others, we will be rewarded - like what goes around comes around. Andros joked, ’so someone who do bad things to you will be going through bad stuff?’

‘No, I never wish for that’, I laughed. Perhaps I was lying a little bit, but that is something I have to reorientate myself as well.

Anyway, if there is one thing I wanna achieve through this fasting month, I wanna have a lot of patience not just when I deal with other people but also during my study and other stuff.

BTW, I just came back from Newcastle. Me, Andros, Kak Shifa, Kak Nur and Nurul (Brunei - sorry Nurul, got to many Nurul so I have to put a label) went and break our fast in Newc. Andros is going back to London tomorrow morning. Sigh, it’s the start of people going home. Andros is one of my good buddy - I’m dedicating this post to him:)

Penggunaan terma-terma nih sebenarnya menunjukkan identiti. Boleh juga didefinisikan secara berbeza melalui budaya.

InsyaAllah

Ada seorang junior aku pernah cakap bila dia suruh aku janji, ‘takmau sebut InsyaAllah, sebab nanti mesti tak buat’. Er.. aku pun tak berapa pasti tapi mungkin dia dah berjumpa dengan orang yang cakap ‘InsyaAllah’ yang tak sure nak buat benda tu ke tak.

Kalau aku, aku cakap bila nak buat. Kalau tak, aku cakap, ‘er..’ dan melakukan reaksi taknak buat. Contohnya, bila Amirul, housemate aku tanya, ‘ko pergi tak usrah petang ni..’, aku jawab (sambil sedikit malu), ‘er… tak kot’. Honesty is the best policy, er.. not always.

Yo

Honestly I got some semi-traumatic effect for using of the word ‘hi’. It sounded a lil bit cheesy with some people, so I kinda use ‘yo’ or ‘weh’ instead. Feel more friendly. But that’s absolutely paranoia talking rather than ‘rationality’.

Ciao

Ada benda menarik berkenaan perkataan nih. Orang Malaysia biasanya merujuk perkataan ‘ciao’ untuk mengucapkan selamat tinggal apabila mereka berusia remaja dan muda belia.

Waktu aku nak pergi melawat Rome dulu, aku ader dengar satu podcast (podcast = rakaman berkenaan sesuatu yang didengar melalui mp3 player). Nama site tuh ‘MyDailyPhrase‘ yang memuatkan rakaman pengajaran Bahasa Itali melalui audio. Kalau tak subscribe,  boleh dengar jugak, tapi takde bahan bertulis la. Bleh pandai-pandai mimik pronounciation jer la.

Menurut podcast tersebut, orang Itali menggunakan ciao bukan sahaja untuk mengucapkan selamat tinggal, tetapi juga sebagai ganti kata hi. Kadangkala disebut ciao ciao juga.

So, it’s kinda a way of me reminiscing that I’ve learnt some Italian for saying ciao instead of bye.

is there such word?
Not sure.
Im on the bus now and suddenly feel like blogging.

Dont you just love the concept of - human is not perfect. Im not talking about doing good and bad deeds at the same time.

Like me who can be cool about lending my stuff but so ill temper when someone disturb me eating while watching tv on laptop.

Like my friend who is so friendly that everyone always like him, but scary when he is moody.

Or my other friend who is so damn strict with her time and work stuff that she warns others for not doing it right but is actually soft inside and fragile.

Or my other friend who appears to be boring as he doesnt speak or jokes much but he is kind of person who would never hurt his future wife by cheating or flirting around.

Or my friend who appears to be so perfect in front of everyone but is struggling with lot of self conflict.

Dont you just like the concept of imperfection?

Oh, nak sampai dah rumah.

wast·ed   /?we?st?d/

–adjective

1.	waste (defs. 26–28).

2.	done to no avail; useless: wasted efforts.

3.	physically or psychologically exhausted; debilitated: to be wasted by a long illness.

4.	Slang. overcome by the influence of alcohol or drugs.

5.	Archaic. (of time) gone by.

Takrifan ‘wasted’. I’m so wasted! Tidak merujuk kepada takrifan keempat. Lebih kepada takrifan ketiga - keletihan secara fizikal atau mental. I guess that my mind had gone on and on and on. If it’s not about study, it would be about something else. Erk.

Anyway, dalam perjalanan ke department, 2 orang pelajar perempuan tegur aku, tanya soalan macam survey macam tu. Aku rasa perbualannya agak menarik, so aku share kat sini:-

Aku berjalan tepi Botanical Garden dan aku nampak mulut diorang bergerak-gerak.

Aku tanggalkan earphone kat telinga dan kitorang bertiga tergelak bersama sebab diorang tak perasan yang aku pakai earphone, manakala aku gelak sebab diorang gelak.

Diorang cakap la yang diorang macam dari Christian Society dan diaorang nak tanya aku beberapa soalan.

‘It is just gonna be 2 minutes’, budak perempuan rambut gelap cakap.

‘Ah, okay, coz I’m rushing to meet my supervisor’.

Kemudian diorang shoot me questions:-
What course am I doing, what’s my hope and fear;
and then come the more interesting part.

‘What do you think happened when you’re dead?’

So, I answered, ‘going to the judgement day, after .. ar.. you know Christian called it Armageddon .. and being sent to heaven or hell. That kind of thing’. I said ‘that kind of thing’ not because it is simple just some lame ending of my speech.

‘So how do you describe Gods?’ she said it, with the ’s’ in the end of God.

‘Er…’ stumble. Bleh la plak stumble. ‘I had things in my mind but I’m just not capable of describing it at the mo..’. Yup, blame the language barrier. That’s true actually, and that’s gonna play the trick.

‘So who do you see Jesus as?’ kinda sounded it that way, or perhaps she asked me, ‘do you believe in Jesus’, I can’t remember the exact question.

I said, ‘ar.. we kinda see him as a messenger, the same way we see Abraham, Muhamad and Adam.’

‘What’s the purpose of him here?’, she asked

‘Is that what is or what was?’ bleh la aku plak yang particular fasal bahasa kan? ‘Ah, we see him as a messenger for a particular group of people.. er.. race. Like Moses for the Jews and Jesus for the … er..’ I was finding the word for ‘nasrani’, tapi apebenda la dalam BI nih, ‘er… Caucasian’ snap, macam tak betul jer terminologi itu, but they got the point. ‘We believe that he will be resurrected.. is that the right word?’

‘Yes yes’, one of the girl answered.

‘.. he’s gonna be resurrected in the future… a lil bit opposite of what Christian believe as you guys believe that he’s already been resurrected during Easter’, I was kinda doubting if that’s what they believe, but hey, they should understand.

Akhirnya diorang pun dah abis soalan, diorang bagi la flyer fasal BBQ esok. Kinda Christian Talks BBQ la. A lil bit of preaching session.

But hey, who’s the preacher man just now?

 

So I create a new category, My Philosophy a.k.a time for me to mumbling all around. Naah, you don’t have to read this post. Just skip it and watch the video log I post couple of hours ago

Just yesterday I told a friend that I’m fine.
Just this evening that everything is alright.
But I guess that brain and heart goes its own way. It is weird that the fact that I am fine or not is determined by heart and not my brain.

And the things that heart feels is not something static. Happy, sad, worried and angry. Those are the things that keep interchanging that redefined the state of mind. I could be fine in this moment but not fine in the next couple of minutes.

It is tragic that brain can’t go over what heart feels most of the time. At least in my case, perhaps you are stronger than I am. Not feeling inferior, just being sarcastic.

[Break]

There come time in life where we face a downturn or roadblock. It is taking a lot of effort to pass it over or turn the other way around. It is not in our hand. That is a fact. Maths can create a set of probability prediction and regardless of how small the possibility is, we never know that probably the small tiny possibility is the one that belong to us. And to have a degree of confident regardless of how big it is, we still have to admit that it is not in our hand.

So it is simple. Perhaps easier to say that doing it.

Whenever heart feel the dampness of the world, just feel it and be alive. Fighting it might make it all wet. I wanna draw a boundary and put a gate around it. Let me be in this hole and allow only who I trust to enter and try to make it dry. And if there’s no one that I can let entering this circle, I should always know, He will always be there for me, answering my prayer.