I hate my recent posts (from this week). It is bland. It doesn’t have the edge. I usually enjoy reading back my post. I keep laughing at some of my own jokes in my writings. I know it is probably overrated but hey, I do mean that writing is for self satisfaction, so as long as I’m happy doing it, I should just go on and keeping it up.
But I guess I had become a writer of my own style. I love to write and the idea will flows like a fountain when I’m angry, depressed and sort of that. I guess I know why I didn’t have my edge last week. It was because I kept to much thing to myself. From the real purpose of going to London (not gonna talk about it still, damn I’m feeling a bad vibe while typing that I don’t wanna talk about it. Okay Amri, perhaps some other time I write about it?) to my worries towards my mom’s health.
Last week was too much to absorb and not being able to let it out was sickening. I was healthy and doing fine, I didn’t lie about it when Kak Nur and Andros asked, but my unconscious mind doesn’t agree. The inner emotion is leaving me with some impact that I do not realize about. As the result, I feel less energetic to write and all of those blogs were being forced, just for the sake of portraying that I’m doing fine.
I know that deep within my heart, I am worrying badly about my mom.
I just called house and my sister answered the phone.
‘How is she?’ I asked.
‘She’s getting better. She can do some house chores today’, as comparing to yesterday, my mom had some dizziness and was hardly get up
[Pause: family on the phone]
[After one hour and 10 minutes talking through internet]
Talks do make me feel better. I could be sure how healthy my mom is just by listening to her voice. It is not my skill (of learning the truth by speeches), it is just what I’m used to. It’s family, isn’t it.
And judging from my mom’s voice, I know that she is better than yesterday. And I’m glad about it.
I told Kak Khalidah, I can’t share this kind of things – about my mom’s health – with the world (aka my blog). I wasn’t capable of doing it. But this time, I just feel like writing it for the sake of myself and everyone. All of the sugarcoated experience in London was a real fun, which I enjoyed it although some psycho kids threw egg on me. Everything is great but deep within my heart, I am just as vulnerable as every single one of you, who is flawed by emotion and disturbed by problems. As I can only smile whenever I snap my picture but as a picture worths a thousand words, my picture worths a thousand emotion – happy, sad, disappointed, angry or excited – visible or not:)
Damn, I did write it well this time when I let it out, didn’t I? Haha.